Friendships are Relationships: Being a great girlfriend will prepare you for your best relationship yet

I want to be very clear before I go any further. This post is barely about relationships with men, and its definitely not about acquiring characteristics that will make you "more desirable" to men. I am making a point about how having fulfilling relationships with the women in your life will help you become the type of person YOU should want to be in a relationship with. This is key, as EVERY relationship you will ever have starts with YOU.

Often times, I regrettably hear women make proclamations about how they do not "like" women. I find this so disheartening. My life would be completely miserable without my female confidantes, so I cannot understand how women, as a general rule, dislike other women. We have so much common ground, so many victories to be had together.  I have come to understand that this mindset often comes from a place of insecurity. I believe as women we make assumptions about the character of other women based upon our own character. When we don't trust or like ourselves, it becomes impossible to trust or seek to build relationships with other women. But I wholeheartedly believe building relationships with other women is integral to our personal development as women as well as our ability to be in all loving relationships. Our ability to understand, love and respect other women helps us to understand, love and respect ourselves.

Friendships and romantic relationships share so many similarities. In my adult years I have been involved in my fair share of relationships. These relationships have ranged from unhealthy and volatile to dull and tedious. I say this to let you know I understand the spectrum well enough to know that the kind of relationship I am interested in is passionate, yet in  a lot of ways moderate. When I was younger I didn't understand the necessity of moderation in love, and thought love should be all about burning passion and  governed by my emotions. I have started to understand love differently. For me, a truly healthy and loving relationship is about making a consistent well-intended commitment to give another person as much of yourself as you possibly can with the understanding that they are also doing the same. This requires conscious and calculated thought. Love is far more intellectual than it is emotional, and it is the intellectual aspect that suspends the emotional aspect beyond just the feeling. This same ideology transfers into my friendships. Healthy friendships require moderation, consistent effort and commitment in the same kinds of ways.

My friends are my family. I rely on them for so many things. Advice, support, encouragement and a plethora of other emotional necessities. I have been fortunate enough to have built some really amazing friendships with some really dynamic and amazing people. All these people are different and I have learned to approach each of them differently as my friends. My friendships have taught me many invaluable relationship skills, but a few that have been most transformative for me are: how to truly respect individuality, learning to expect and accept reciprocity, and how to communicate properly. These are not only skills I am proud and happy to have, they are also skills I believe any potential mate must bring to a relationship in order for it to be successful.

Respect my individuality! This was likely one of the hardest lessons for me to learn as a friend. I think often times we live life from a slightly narcissist perspective. We can often get so caught up in our own bullshit that we forget the entire world is a web of bullshit that other people are experiencing as well. With each person comes an entirely different perspective and experience to which our own is not necessarily relevant. One of my dearest friends is a free spirit in every sense of the word. While I believe some may classify me as the same, in a lot of ways I am very methodical. I appreciate a plan of action, specific goals and often seek practicality over  idealism. During a period in our friendship I was arduously pursuing career and education. During the same time I felt like she was kind of just floating through life trying to find herself. I found myself becoming annoyed with her inability to ultimately be "more like me," and started to give our friendship a little space. In retrospect I think this is disgusting and I am embarrassed to admit it, but when it boiled down to it, I was frustrated that her decisions for her life weren't the decisions I felt she should be making for her life. How selfish is that? I wanted to deny her from having her own experience for the sake of my own comfort? We had gone through a period earlier on in our friendship when I was the one "floating through life," but she respected me for who I was and what I was going through. She made the decision to love me despite our inherent differences, accept and try to understand me for who I was. In doing this she became no less of who she was, in fact, I think in respecting my autonomy she was allowed to be more autonomous herself. I should have certainly afforded her the same courtesy.

Holding your friends accountable for their actions is absolutely necessary in friendships, but simultaneously we must respect and love each other while celebrating our differences. I didn't fully understand how important this was until I started to feel the torment of trying to maintain a friendship with someone who didn't like some of the things about me that I felt were paramount to my individuality. They sought to constantly control these things. The friendship became exhausting and I began to resent the person for not allowing me to be myself. I now realize that it is a person's right and liberty to dictate how she will live her own life, and standing in the way of this ultimately hampers her ability to grow.

In relationships this is an invaluable perspective. When two people come together I believe it is completely and totally imperative that they maintain their respective identities in the midst of their shared identity. In order to fully realize and maintain one's own identity within a relationship the support of the partner is indispensable. We have to encourage the growth of the individual by showing our mates that we not only tolerate their individuality, but also respect, love, and appreciate it. But remember, this has to work both ways. You cannot allow someone else the space to be and discover themselves if they aren't doing  the same for you. We each deserve to be in the kind of relationship where we are free to be all of who we desire to be. Which brings me to my next point: reciprocity.

Reciprocity encompasses a whole list of ideals in a single word. At its core it all boils down to giving and receiving. We often think of reciprocity in terms of giving, but the receiving aspect is just as important. When it comes to my friends, there is not much I will not do for them. This works out fine in that I am confident that my girlfriends are equally committed to me. I genuinely trust that we will reciprocate one another fully. I will do things for them and they will openly accept those things as genuine gestures of love and friendship, and vice versa. As often as we give to one another we also receive from one another. From the expectation that the relationship is two-sided we can freely rely upon and trust one another.

On the other hand think about people who you may not trust. A lot of that lack of trust is likely based in the belief that you are not confident that they will reciprocate your efforts. Reciprocity is a pillar of a trusting relationship, and without it we find it very difficult to have healthy relationships. I'm sure we have all been involved in interactions that were one-sided. It's hard to trust someone when you find that they are unwilling or unable to match the work you put forth. You may even find yourself becoming resentful and unwilling to give anything to the relationship at all. The expectation of reciprocity places a duty upon a relationship which allows it to flourish in a realm of trust.

Finally, and most importantly of all, is healthy communication. I learned a long time ago the importance of communicating with people. Communication is the only way to insure your interests are represented and it is the best way to become aware of the goals and intentions of those around you. It wasn't until very recently that I learned how to communicate in a healthy way (trust me I am still working on it).

As it relates to my girlfriends, healthy communication has meant that we address necessary issues as they arise. I want my friends to come to me if I hurt or offend them and know they can feel comfortable talking to me about it openly. I need to feel that I can go to them the same. We have an understanding among each other, because we trust one another, that whatever we say is coming from a place of love. This invites constant and honest communication which is integral to healthy friendships. It works the same in relationships. Open communication provides checkpoints and helps you grow in the same direction.

Healthy communication has also meant that we make an effort to communicate kindly. Often, when writhed in emotion, we can say hurtful things to or about our girlfriends. The bible talks a lot about the tongue being a metaphorical sword. It is! It cuts fast and deep. I can remember hurtful things that were said to me years ago, but I have to press myself for the details surrounding recent physical injuries. I have been blessed to have women and friends in my life that literally speak life into me. They constantly tell me that  I am inspiring, smart, talented, beautiful, kind, supportive and a whole list of other desirable adjectives. Knowing that the people I respect and love so much hold me to such a high esteem has given me the strength and confidence to be a better person. Like all friends we do have our disagreements but we try not to lash out at one another. We effectively express ourselves to one another without being hateful or even passive aggressive. We have enough PRACTICE, respect and love for one another to communicate with each other intentionally and respectfully.

I have found that my friendships with my girlfriends have helped me to learn how to deal with people as a whole. I believe it is the same qualities that make me a good friend that will eventually make me a good partner, a good wife, and a good mother. As my friendships grow the more I become the type of person I desire to be in a relationship with. I always say friendships are just as powerful as relationships. They often last longer than most of our romantic relationships and require the same sort of building blocks and commitment. Ultimately, the type of friend you are is likely a good indicator of they type of relationship you are ready for. 

So to all my singles out there, don't give up on your friendships. Put in the work to be a better girlfriend and demand better from your girlfriends everyday. Being a great friend absolutely translates into being a great mate. This is not to say that people out there aren't kicking ass in the relationship department while simultaneously being terrible friends, or that there aren't some great friends out there who are crazy ass girlfriends and wives. I'm sure these folks exist, I just never run into them. The women I see balancing the kinds of relationships I believe in are extraordinary friends. All the qualities they bring to their friendships are magnified in their relationships. They are the kind of people you should want to be in a relationship with.

There is a lot that goes into being a friend and even more that goes into being a good friend. Nonetheless, being a better friend really has no downfall. Even if at the end of the day you end up forever single (and you definitely won't) at least you will have life affirming friendships to fall back on. Win win!

Who's the Boss?

Recently in a very informal bar setting I met a new girl. This girl is gorgeous. I'm talking exotic, drop dead, stare at her from a  distance gorgeous. She is  a bit younger and her lack of experience is just as striking as  her beauty.  Her naivety probably makes her even more beautiful. There's something about knowing better, being prudent and slightly jaded that does a number on under eye bags. 

She was pleasant and sweet. I immediately made the decision that I "liked" her. Within moments we (a mix of fairly random people with a slightly heavier male presence) were all engaged in typically bar banter- loud laughing, outplayed jokes and bad reasoning. I don't really remember how we got to the next moment, I just remember arriving there and being jolted. It was like being a passenger in a slow moving car and zoning out in a text convo when you are instantly reminded you are in a car because the driver slams on the breaks. 

Suddenly, out of what seemed like no where, my new acquaintance  was randomly alluding to the fact that she was sleeping with her boss. Now, let me be clear, I'm not sure if she actually is sleeping with her boss; I am willing to bet she is not however, that's not the point. She continued to openly discuss her approval of casual sexual escapades, laughing off her own proclamation that there's a good chance she is having an affair with the man who signs her paychecks. Now we were in a bar, so I was fine with the"dirty" talk but what took me by surprise was her openness and willingness to  stereotype herself. Beautiful women  are always unfairly accused of "sleeping their way to the top." I had met this woman no more than 20 minutes earlier and yet she showed no sign of  discomfort discussing a topic I felt should be controversial at least. I immediately began to realize her comment came from a place of wanting to be impress the group by seeming mature, sexually experienced and confident, and shrugged it off, but later that night I began to think about a of couple points. 

The first point is about power.  Women often give up there power in order to gain useless approval. With that comment she opened the door to allow people to dismiss her current success and maybe even any success she could have ever had as a mere benefit of her looks/ sexuality. When people hear women say things like this they will be more inclined to think regardless of her efforts, hard work and sacrifice, any success she will ever encounter is completely undeserved. This is bad for a lot of reasons that expand beyond her own experience. See, people tend to operate in broad generalizations, so conclusions folks draw about one person are unfortunately drawn about other folks who bare any similarity to that person. Ultimately other women are subjected to reaping the repercussions of the belief that women don't have to work as hard. I'm not saying this drunken incident in a bar is the sole or inducting cause of chauvinism; only that when women make light of these sorts of situations it nourishes an already prevalent misogynistic epistemic web. 

The second point was on "the sisterhood." Sleeping with your boss, or even the mere perception by others that you are sleeping with your boss creates an impossible cycle for all women. Here's how: it takes professional competition outside of the office and takes it into the bedroom. Professional success becomes about things that have nothing to do with the profession. This leaves talented women who are unwilling to play "the game" feeling defeated and unrecognized. It can also force women into situations were they feel like they must utilize there sexuality as a supplement in order to attain the success that they deserve. I've been in this situation a lot and it is always bad. It seems when the boss is sleeping with an employee it creates a overall flirtatious tone in the workplace. Sex becomes the elephant in the room and the workplace becomes a breeding ground for sexual harassment. 

I don't want to take all the responsibly away from male employers who take advantage of their position and sleep with their female employees either. They are equally, if not more responsible and should absolutely know better and avoid this at all costs. I'm also quite sure this happens to men with their female or gay male employers as well, but I can only speak to my experiences  as a woman and how it relates to this specific situation. 

Being the true romantic I am I'm not at all ruling out dating your boss, I think a man and a woman can engage in an appropriate romantic relationship outside of the office even if one is subordinate to the other in the office. I do however, think it is important there are clear and set boundaries in the office environment. They must be able to maintain professional objectivity even in the midst of their relationship. This is likely extremely difficult but absolutely necessary. 

I'm not sure there is a single solution to this issue at all but I would like to see women take this situation more seriously. Let's try not use our sexuality as a means to professional success. In fact, lets not even joke about sleeping with those we are professionally subordinate to. We should at the very least understand the entire effect of those actions on the entire ecosystem that is female empowerment.  With this awareness maybe one day I'll run into a young girl who in a bar who tells me how she single-handedly saved her entire company from absolute ruin by turning her boss down.