Recently in a very informal bar setting I met a new girl. This girl is gorgeous. I'm talking exotic, drop dead, stare at her from a distance gorgeous. She is a bit younger and her lack of experience is just as striking as her beauty. Her naivety probably makes her even more beautiful. There's something about knowing better, being prudent and slightly jaded that does a number on under eye bags.
She was pleasant and sweet. I immediately made the decision that I "liked" her. Within moments we (a mix of fairly random people with a slightly heavier male presence) were all engaged in typically bar banter- loud laughing, outplayed jokes and bad reasoning. I don't really remember how we got to the next moment, I just remember arriving there and being jolted. It was like being a passenger in a slow moving car and zoning out in a text convo when you are instantly reminded you are in a car because the driver slams on the breaks.
Suddenly, out of what seemed like no where, my new acquaintance was randomly alluding to the fact that she was sleeping with her boss. Now, let me be clear, I'm not sure if she actually is sleeping with her boss; I am willing to bet she is not however, that's not the point. She continued to openly discuss her approval of casual sexual escapades, laughing off her own proclamation that there's a good chance she is having an affair with the man who signs her paychecks. Now we were in a bar, so I was fine with the"dirty" talk but what took me by surprise was her openness and willingness to stereotype herself. Beautiful women are always unfairly accused of "sleeping their way to the top." I had met this woman no more than 20 minutes earlier and yet she showed no sign of discomfort discussing a topic I felt should be controversial at least. I immediately began to realize her comment came from a place of wanting to be impress the group by seeming mature, sexually experienced and confident, and shrugged it off, but later that night I began to think about a of couple points.
The first point is about power. Women often give up there power in order to gain useless approval. With that comment she opened the door to allow people to dismiss her current success and maybe even any success she could have ever had as a mere benefit of her looks/ sexuality. When people hear women say things like this they will be more inclined to think regardless of her efforts, hard work and sacrifice, any success she will ever encounter is completely undeserved. This is bad for a lot of reasons that expand beyond her own experience. See, people tend to operate in broad generalizations, so conclusions folks draw about one person are unfortunately drawn about other folks who bare any similarity to that person. Ultimately other women are subjected to reaping the repercussions of the belief that women don't have to work as hard. I'm not saying this drunken incident in a bar is the sole or inducting cause of chauvinism; only that when women make light of these sorts of situations it nourishes an already prevalent misogynistic epistemic web.
The second point was on "the sisterhood." Sleeping with your boss, or even the mere perception by others that you are sleeping with your boss creates an impossible cycle for all women. Here's how: it takes professional competition outside of the office and takes it into the bedroom. Professional success becomes about things that have nothing to do with the profession. This leaves talented women who are unwilling to play "the game" feeling defeated and unrecognized. It can also force women into situations were they feel like they must utilize there sexuality as a supplement in order to attain the success that they deserve. I've been in this situation a lot and it is always bad. It seems when the boss is sleeping with an employee it creates a overall flirtatious tone in the workplace. Sex becomes the elephant in the room and the workplace becomes a breeding ground for sexual harassment.
I don't want to take all the responsibly away from male employers who take advantage of their position and sleep with their female employees either. They are equally, if not more responsible and should absolutely know better and avoid this at all costs. I'm also quite sure this happens to men with their female or gay male employers as well, but I can only speak to my experiences as a woman and how it relates to this specific situation.
Being the true romantic I am I'm not at all ruling out dating your boss, I think a man and a woman can engage in an appropriate romantic relationship outside of the office even if one is subordinate to the other in the office. I do however, think it is important there are clear and set boundaries in the office environment. They must be able to maintain professional objectivity even in the midst of their relationship. This is likely extremely difficult but absolutely necessary.
I'm not sure there is a single solution to this issue at all but I would like to see women take this situation more seriously. Let's try not use our sexuality as a means to professional success. In fact, lets not even joke about sleeping with those we are professionally subordinate to. We should at the very least understand the entire effect of those actions on the entire ecosystem that is female empowerment. With this awareness maybe one day I'll run into a young girl who in a bar who tells me how she single-handedly saved her entire company from absolute ruin by turning her boss down.
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