Friendships are Relationships: Being a great girlfriend will prepare you for your best relationship yet

I want to be very clear before I go any further. This post is barely about relationships with men, and its definitely not about acquiring characteristics that will make you "more desirable" to men. I am making a point about how having fulfilling relationships with the women in your life will help you become the type of person YOU should want to be in a relationship with. This is key, as EVERY relationship you will ever have starts with YOU.

Often times, I regrettably hear women make proclamations about how they do not "like" women. I find this so disheartening. My life would be completely miserable without my female confidantes, so I cannot understand how women, as a general rule, dislike other women. We have so much common ground, so many victories to be had together.  I have come to understand that this mindset often comes from a place of insecurity. I believe as women we make assumptions about the character of other women based upon our own character. When we don't trust or like ourselves, it becomes impossible to trust or seek to build relationships with other women. But I wholeheartedly believe building relationships with other women is integral to our personal development as women as well as our ability to be in all loving relationships. Our ability to understand, love and respect other women helps us to understand, love and respect ourselves.

Friendships and romantic relationships share so many similarities. In my adult years I have been involved in my fair share of relationships. These relationships have ranged from unhealthy and volatile to dull and tedious. I say this to let you know I understand the spectrum well enough to know that the kind of relationship I am interested in is passionate, yet in  a lot of ways moderate. When I was younger I didn't understand the necessity of moderation in love, and thought love should be all about burning passion and  governed by my emotions. I have started to understand love differently. For me, a truly healthy and loving relationship is about making a consistent well-intended commitment to give another person as much of yourself as you possibly can with the understanding that they are also doing the same. This requires conscious and calculated thought. Love is far more intellectual than it is emotional, and it is the intellectual aspect that suspends the emotional aspect beyond just the feeling. This same ideology transfers into my friendships. Healthy friendships require moderation, consistent effort and commitment in the same kinds of ways.

My friends are my family. I rely on them for so many things. Advice, support, encouragement and a plethora of other emotional necessities. I have been fortunate enough to have built some really amazing friendships with some really dynamic and amazing people. All these people are different and I have learned to approach each of them differently as my friends. My friendships have taught me many invaluable relationship skills, but a few that have been most transformative for me are: how to truly respect individuality, learning to expect and accept reciprocity, and how to communicate properly. These are not only skills I am proud and happy to have, they are also skills I believe any potential mate must bring to a relationship in order for it to be successful.

Respect my individuality! This was likely one of the hardest lessons for me to learn as a friend. I think often times we live life from a slightly narcissist perspective. We can often get so caught up in our own bullshit that we forget the entire world is a web of bullshit that other people are experiencing as well. With each person comes an entirely different perspective and experience to which our own is not necessarily relevant. One of my dearest friends is a free spirit in every sense of the word. While I believe some may classify me as the same, in a lot of ways I am very methodical. I appreciate a plan of action, specific goals and often seek practicality over  idealism. During a period in our friendship I was arduously pursuing career and education. During the same time I felt like she was kind of just floating through life trying to find herself. I found myself becoming annoyed with her inability to ultimately be "more like me," and started to give our friendship a little space. In retrospect I think this is disgusting and I am embarrassed to admit it, but when it boiled down to it, I was frustrated that her decisions for her life weren't the decisions I felt she should be making for her life. How selfish is that? I wanted to deny her from having her own experience for the sake of my own comfort? We had gone through a period earlier on in our friendship when I was the one "floating through life," but she respected me for who I was and what I was going through. She made the decision to love me despite our inherent differences, accept and try to understand me for who I was. In doing this she became no less of who she was, in fact, I think in respecting my autonomy she was allowed to be more autonomous herself. I should have certainly afforded her the same courtesy.

Holding your friends accountable for their actions is absolutely necessary in friendships, but simultaneously we must respect and love each other while celebrating our differences. I didn't fully understand how important this was until I started to feel the torment of trying to maintain a friendship with someone who didn't like some of the things about me that I felt were paramount to my individuality. They sought to constantly control these things. The friendship became exhausting and I began to resent the person for not allowing me to be myself. I now realize that it is a person's right and liberty to dictate how she will live her own life, and standing in the way of this ultimately hampers her ability to grow.

In relationships this is an invaluable perspective. When two people come together I believe it is completely and totally imperative that they maintain their respective identities in the midst of their shared identity. In order to fully realize and maintain one's own identity within a relationship the support of the partner is indispensable. We have to encourage the growth of the individual by showing our mates that we not only tolerate their individuality, but also respect, love, and appreciate it. But remember, this has to work both ways. You cannot allow someone else the space to be and discover themselves if they aren't doing  the same for you. We each deserve to be in the kind of relationship where we are free to be all of who we desire to be. Which brings me to my next point: reciprocity.

Reciprocity encompasses a whole list of ideals in a single word. At its core it all boils down to giving and receiving. We often think of reciprocity in terms of giving, but the receiving aspect is just as important. When it comes to my friends, there is not much I will not do for them. This works out fine in that I am confident that my girlfriends are equally committed to me. I genuinely trust that we will reciprocate one another fully. I will do things for them and they will openly accept those things as genuine gestures of love and friendship, and vice versa. As often as we give to one another we also receive from one another. From the expectation that the relationship is two-sided we can freely rely upon and trust one another.

On the other hand think about people who you may not trust. A lot of that lack of trust is likely based in the belief that you are not confident that they will reciprocate your efforts. Reciprocity is a pillar of a trusting relationship, and without it we find it very difficult to have healthy relationships. I'm sure we have all been involved in interactions that were one-sided. It's hard to trust someone when you find that they are unwilling or unable to match the work you put forth. You may even find yourself becoming resentful and unwilling to give anything to the relationship at all. The expectation of reciprocity places a duty upon a relationship which allows it to flourish in a realm of trust.

Finally, and most importantly of all, is healthy communication. I learned a long time ago the importance of communicating with people. Communication is the only way to insure your interests are represented and it is the best way to become aware of the goals and intentions of those around you. It wasn't until very recently that I learned how to communicate in a healthy way (trust me I am still working on it).

As it relates to my girlfriends, healthy communication has meant that we address necessary issues as they arise. I want my friends to come to me if I hurt or offend them and know they can feel comfortable talking to me about it openly. I need to feel that I can go to them the same. We have an understanding among each other, because we trust one another, that whatever we say is coming from a place of love. This invites constant and honest communication which is integral to healthy friendships. It works the same in relationships. Open communication provides checkpoints and helps you grow in the same direction.

Healthy communication has also meant that we make an effort to communicate kindly. Often, when writhed in emotion, we can say hurtful things to or about our girlfriends. The bible talks a lot about the tongue being a metaphorical sword. It is! It cuts fast and deep. I can remember hurtful things that were said to me years ago, but I have to press myself for the details surrounding recent physical injuries. I have been blessed to have women and friends in my life that literally speak life into me. They constantly tell me that  I am inspiring, smart, talented, beautiful, kind, supportive and a whole list of other desirable adjectives. Knowing that the people I respect and love so much hold me to such a high esteem has given me the strength and confidence to be a better person. Like all friends we do have our disagreements but we try not to lash out at one another. We effectively express ourselves to one another without being hateful or even passive aggressive. We have enough PRACTICE, respect and love for one another to communicate with each other intentionally and respectfully.

I have found that my friendships with my girlfriends have helped me to learn how to deal with people as a whole. I believe it is the same qualities that make me a good friend that will eventually make me a good partner, a good wife, and a good mother. As my friendships grow the more I become the type of person I desire to be in a relationship with. I always say friendships are just as powerful as relationships. They often last longer than most of our romantic relationships and require the same sort of building blocks and commitment. Ultimately, the type of friend you are is likely a good indicator of they type of relationship you are ready for. 

So to all my singles out there, don't give up on your friendships. Put in the work to be a better girlfriend and demand better from your girlfriends everyday. Being a great friend absolutely translates into being a great mate. This is not to say that people out there aren't kicking ass in the relationship department while simultaneously being terrible friends, or that there aren't some great friends out there who are crazy ass girlfriends and wives. I'm sure these folks exist, I just never run into them. The women I see balancing the kinds of relationships I believe in are extraordinary friends. All the qualities they bring to their friendships are magnified in their relationships. They are the kind of people you should want to be in a relationship with.

There is a lot that goes into being a friend and even more that goes into being a good friend. Nonetheless, being a better friend really has no downfall. Even if at the end of the day you end up forever single (and you definitely won't) at least you will have life affirming friendships to fall back on. Win win!

Who's the Boss?

Recently in a very informal bar setting I met a new girl. This girl is gorgeous. I'm talking exotic, drop dead, stare at her from a  distance gorgeous. She is  a bit younger and her lack of experience is just as striking as  her beauty.  Her naivety probably makes her even more beautiful. There's something about knowing better, being prudent and slightly jaded that does a number on under eye bags. 

She was pleasant and sweet. I immediately made the decision that I "liked" her. Within moments we (a mix of fairly random people with a slightly heavier male presence) were all engaged in typically bar banter- loud laughing, outplayed jokes and bad reasoning. I don't really remember how we got to the next moment, I just remember arriving there and being jolted. It was like being a passenger in a slow moving car and zoning out in a text convo when you are instantly reminded you are in a car because the driver slams on the breaks. 

Suddenly, out of what seemed like no where, my new acquaintance  was randomly alluding to the fact that she was sleeping with her boss. Now, let me be clear, I'm not sure if she actually is sleeping with her boss; I am willing to bet she is not however, that's not the point. She continued to openly discuss her approval of casual sexual escapades, laughing off her own proclamation that there's a good chance she is having an affair with the man who signs her paychecks. Now we were in a bar, so I was fine with the"dirty" talk but what took me by surprise was her openness and willingness to  stereotype herself. Beautiful women  are always unfairly accused of "sleeping their way to the top." I had met this woman no more than 20 minutes earlier and yet she showed no sign of  discomfort discussing a topic I felt should be controversial at least. I immediately began to realize her comment came from a place of wanting to be impress the group by seeming mature, sexually experienced and confident, and shrugged it off, but later that night I began to think about a of couple points. 

The first point is about power.  Women often give up there power in order to gain useless approval. With that comment she opened the door to allow people to dismiss her current success and maybe even any success she could have ever had as a mere benefit of her looks/ sexuality. When people hear women say things like this they will be more inclined to think regardless of her efforts, hard work and sacrifice, any success she will ever encounter is completely undeserved. This is bad for a lot of reasons that expand beyond her own experience. See, people tend to operate in broad generalizations, so conclusions folks draw about one person are unfortunately drawn about other folks who bare any similarity to that person. Ultimately other women are subjected to reaping the repercussions of the belief that women don't have to work as hard. I'm not saying this drunken incident in a bar is the sole or inducting cause of chauvinism; only that when women make light of these sorts of situations it nourishes an already prevalent misogynistic epistemic web. 

The second point was on "the sisterhood." Sleeping with your boss, or even the mere perception by others that you are sleeping with your boss creates an impossible cycle for all women. Here's how: it takes professional competition outside of the office and takes it into the bedroom. Professional success becomes about things that have nothing to do with the profession. This leaves talented women who are unwilling to play "the game" feeling defeated and unrecognized. It can also force women into situations were they feel like they must utilize there sexuality as a supplement in order to attain the success that they deserve. I've been in this situation a lot and it is always bad. It seems when the boss is sleeping with an employee it creates a overall flirtatious tone in the workplace. Sex becomes the elephant in the room and the workplace becomes a breeding ground for sexual harassment. 

I don't want to take all the responsibly away from male employers who take advantage of their position and sleep with their female employees either. They are equally, if not more responsible and should absolutely know better and avoid this at all costs. I'm also quite sure this happens to men with their female or gay male employers as well, but I can only speak to my experiences  as a woman and how it relates to this specific situation. 

Being the true romantic I am I'm not at all ruling out dating your boss, I think a man and a woman can engage in an appropriate romantic relationship outside of the office even if one is subordinate to the other in the office. I do however, think it is important there are clear and set boundaries in the office environment. They must be able to maintain professional objectivity even in the midst of their relationship. This is likely extremely difficult but absolutely necessary. 

I'm not sure there is a single solution to this issue at all but I would like to see women take this situation more seriously. Let's try not use our sexuality as a means to professional success. In fact, lets not even joke about sleeping with those we are professionally subordinate to. We should at the very least understand the entire effect of those actions on the entire ecosystem that is female empowerment.  With this awareness maybe one day I'll run into a young girl who in a bar who tells me how she single-handedly saved her entire company from absolute ruin by turning her boss down. 

Remember Me?

I haven’t posted to this damn blog since 2009. I don’t even think there was an Instagram back then. That’s terrible. I should probably just start a whole new blog and pretend this one never existed but I read over this stuff sometimes and its pretty good if I may say so myself, so I’m just going to  pick up where I left off.

Blogs are great. They are angsty responses to life. And while most blogs go completely unread by anyone else but their writers (this one included), they are good. They force you to be critical, and not in the kind of way your family is critical when you come home for the holidays alone…again (insert emotionless emoji face). Blogs allow you to look at life and analyze what’s going on around you, but more importantly, inside of you. They force you to have opinions and support those opinions. They make you have a deeper respect for your convictions and your values.

I stopped writing this blog 4 years ago because I thought I was too busy. My last post was December of 2009. In January 2010 I started my last semester of graduate school and I was writing my thesis. I remember feeling like anytime I was spending in front of a computer should be strictly for thesis writing activities (or social media). In May of 2010, literally the Monday after my graduation, I started a new job. All these changes in my life made me think I didn't have time to write anymore. I started to think I had grown out of it. Flash forward about 2 years later, I quit that job and I found myself packing up and leaving Los Angeles to return to my hometown of Urbana, Illinois. This move was likely foreshadowed by an earlier post (http://dionneclifton.blogspot.com/2009/05/home-sweet-home.html). Didn't have much of a plan when I did that- I just knew I needed to come home. When I got here I had plenty of time. I felt like a housewife minus the kids and the husband. My mornings were filled with endless pots of coffee, long walks and job searching. I’d lunch with my friends and hit the gym in the afternoon and frequent local bars once the sun went down. Even then, I still didn't find time to write. Eventually I started working part-time for one of my best friends in real estate. That brings me to where I am today. Full of mental energy too few outlets for that energy.

I started reading my blog by accident at work today when I was Googling myself (if you don’t do that you should give it a try). I was reading each post and remembering the circumstances that surrounded each blog. I remembered that when I wrote that post about President Obama I wasn't jaded politically. I remembered that my apple rant was before I had “bitten the apple” and gotten a Mac myself. I remembered what my life was like when I was writing more often- be it for this blog, class, or whatever. I began to miss the satisfaction I would feel whenever I would complete something I had written. The pure release it provides is pretty cool, so I thought I’d give it another shot- if for nothing else, for old time sake. A lot has happened in 4 years. I have learned a lot about myself and the world and become ever more certain that I am indeed living the life I love.

Forbidden Fruit (apple rant)

The story of Adam and Eve is famous. It is a story of human nature, curiosity, temptation and the lure of the forbidden. Of all the trees in the Garden of Eden, Eve is tempted by the only one God forebode. She is convinced by the serpent to take just one bite of the forbidden fruit. What’s left? What has forever been the symbol of man’s fall from God’s grace? The apple with a bite out of it. Do you see where this is going?

Apple professes to have the best products, superior to PC. No viruses, no issues, totally integrated, blah, blah, blah… I’m so over it! Apple makes some pretty cool things, I’ll admit that! I could not live without my iPod, or iPhone! But I could live without the crazy bizarre world Apple has created.

I have a friend who has a Mac. Sheonly had her Mac for a year when one day out of the blue… Bam! The “rainbow of death” (that’s what Mac users call that rainbow circle that pops up on the screen whenever there Mac gets “confused”). It crashed! Yes, her precious, infallible Mac crashed! She had to get an entirely new hard drive (which she had to pay for), and she ended up losing a ton of files…

Now in isolation, this is no big deal, but as of late I have been hearing a lot of once loyal Apple users complaining about their computers. When they are working they are great, but when a Mac breaks down there’s hell to pay! It costs an arm and a leg to repair, and apparently they break down a lot more than the Apple pr team has led the public to believe!

My personal experience with Apple has been very frustrating to say the least. I am a proud PC owner and don’t have any plans to switch to a more expensive Mac in the near future. I do however own an Iphone. And in less than a year I have needed to replace it twice. The first time was my fault. I dropped the phone and the screen went white and hasn’t snapped out of it since. When I took it to the Apple store they gave some spiel about water damage and warranty replacement… blah blah blah, $400! So, like an addict I shelled over the $400 bones to get my new iPhone. Less than two months after that my volume button fell off. I went to the Apple store, they took a look at my iPhone and said I needed to make an appointment to come in and get a replacement iPhone. I thought this was insane since I just needed a button replaced, but I came back 3 days later anyway. When I got there it was a totally different story. “Ma'am this phone has been water damaged…blah, blah, blah… we cannot replace it unless you give us $200” I was pissed! “I just need a NEW BUTTON! You want me to pay $200 for a new button?” I stomped out of the store and haven’t looked back since.

I’m not sure how my phones keep getting water damaged, you would think I take them swimming. I’m convinced the moisture in the air trips that moisture sensor in the damned phone. Noentheless, you can’t insure the iPhone, so I’m stuck with a phone that has a missing volume button, and that’s fine with me, because I refuse to pay for an entirely new phone just to replace a single button. That’s stupid, and not to mention bad for the environment!

I’m sure Apple makes lovely products. I’m just not happy about the scam I feel I’ve been drawn into. Now I’m totally addicted to my iPhone they know they can charge me whatever for it, and I’ll pay it. Talk about a downfall.

I Wish I Could “F”(fix) Every Radio in the World (Every Radio)

I love music. It is like air. It is so integral to everything I am. I love all types of music. R&B soothes the soul. Country is King of the Ballad and Classical is romantic. I love Rock and Roll for its rebellious spirit, and Hip Hop for its creativity and the incorporation of poetry. Pop music is fun and defines eras. I’ve spent my entire life listening to music because I am happy when I am surrounded by its sounds. I don’t think this makes me unique or original. In fact, love for music is more universal than much anything else. I have never met anyone who claimed to dislike music. Music prevails above all ideology.

For decades radio has provide us with music for free and introduced us to many of the songs, genres, and artists we love most. Radio has the potential to be such an awesome means to bond a community over a mutual love and respect for music. However, the way things are going I’m afraid community is the furthest thing from the minds of those controlling our airwaves.

Having spent some time working in the radio industry here’s a quick lesson explaining how radio works. Radio stations are a lot like magazines. They speak to very specific demographics and represent very specific genres. These factors determine what music a given radio station will play in its rotation. Let’s take your typical “hip hop” radio station for example. These stations usually are classified as Contemporary Hits and Rhythmic stations by industry insiders, and typically target women ages 18-34.

Much like television, radio programmers and executives care very little about content; their primary objective is revenue; which is generated through the sale of advertisements. In order to sell advertisements radio stations have to present prospective advertisers with ratings. The higher a station’s ratings the more revenue a station can generate for advertisements. Therefore while the overall objective is to generate revenue by selling advertisements, a radio station’s more immediate goal is to produce ratings. This is why you always here stations going on (usually in exaggeration) about being “#1” (sometimes even the perception of high ratings can benefit a station’s overall ratings). But just claiming to be #1 isn’t enough to produce numbers that really count. To do that stations need real live listeners.

Radio people think radio listeners are pretty simple. In order to get them to listen you give them “things”. And so is born “the radio promotion”. These promotions vary from the charitable to the zany. Nevertheless, promotions cost money! A 30 second radio ad doesn’t pull in the type of money a 30 second television ad pulls in, and opposed to popular belief radio stations aren’t making a ton of money. Just ask anyone who has ever had the pleasure of working as a Jock (a Disc Jockey in laymen’s terms). It is not the glamor filled job many people believe it is. Most Jocks are paid a shameful salary, that does not include any benefits. Believe it or not the “voice of your city” probably isn’t as fabulous as they would like to make you think. No Benz, no luxury pimp suites, no designer clothes. Jocks are usually paid in perception, and access. They are perceived a certain way by listeners, and have access to “perks” most people do not have access to. That’s it! I say all that just to attest to the fact that radio stations do not have that much money, but these promotions they run cost a lot of money. This begs the question… Where are they getting the money from?

A quick History lesson—Payola is the "illegal practice of payment or other inducement by record companies for the broadcast of recordings on music radio, in which the song is presented as being part of the normal day's broadcast. Under US law, a radio station can play a specific song in exchange for money, but this must be disclosed on the air as being sponsored airtime, and that play of the song should not be counted as a "regular airplay." The term has come to refer to any secret payment made to cast a product in a positive light (such as obtaining positive reviews)” (Wikipedia- Payola, 2009).

Despite the fact that Payola is illegal—I can tell you, (quote me on this) if it weren’t for payola many program directors would not know how to program their radio stations. While I have never personally witnessed actual cash money being exchanged from record label to radio station—I have seen this practice take place in a more underhanded less obvious way.

You ever win a CD during a radio station’s weekend promotion? Where do you think those boxes of CD’s come from? They are gifts from the label. In exchange for a box of CD’s it is not uncommon for a radio station to run an entire weekend promotion centered around the release of “50 Cent’s (or any other artist’s) new album. This lends itself to more 50 Cent songs being played during that weekend and 50 Cent being cast in a positive light by the Jocks giving his CD’s away. When stations have concert tickets to give away, they don’t buy those tickets, they are gifts from the label. When stations “sponsor” concerts all they do is call in favors to label reps (a subject I will discuss more in depth). Radio stations don’t pay for anything, not the venue, not the artists, not a thing! Nor do they disclose to their listeners that their latest promotion is being sponsored by Interscope, BMG, Columbia, or whatever label they have most recently whored the airwaves out to.

Label reps are another chapter in the payola story that deserves some attention. Label reps are a lot like pharmaceutical reps. They are responsible for a cluster of artists under the label, and a specific geographical region Their job is to promote these artists and get their songs out to the public, specifically within a designated region. A label rep may look at BDS reports, which report how many spins a song has gotten, as well as a breakdown of how many spins each radio station has given a song. After looking at BDS a label rep will typically contact a programming director (PD) at a station where the song is not getting a satisfactory number of spins and ask the PD to rotate the song more heavily in the rotation, or even “break” (introduce a new song) a song into the rotation. If a PD does a favor for a label rep there is an unspoken expectation that the rep will “come through” when the PD needs a favor. These favors don’t always come in the form of promotional material either. Sometimes it is more obscene. As a Jock I received access to countless tables and bottles at clubs paid for by record labels. Wild and crazy private parties exclusively for "radio people" are sponsored by record labels. Entire staffs of radio stations are treated to opulent meals at 5 star restaurants charged to a label reps corporate credit card. Programming directors often receive expensive gifts ranging from flowers to jewelry to designer apparel. The bigger the radio station, and the more influence the station has on the national radio trends the more grotesque the payola.

The reason payola was made illegal was to avoid the very circumstance radio has found itself in today. Small labels can’t get their songs played on the radio because they can’t afford to wine and dine the stations; therefore, the artist represented by these labels rarely enjoy the kind of success less talented artists represented by larger labels are accustomed to. Ultimately the Big labels “own” the airwaves and determine what songs get played. We as listeners are forced to listen to the same 20 tired, and ridiculous songs over and over again until we know all the words, and even find ourselves and our children singing along to a song with lyrics as disgusting and degrading as “I wish I could ‘F’ every girl in the world”.

I should clarify not ALL radio stations partake in this type of practice. In fact many program directors refuse to even take calls from label reps, or receive any promotional material. It is the few stations that are partaking in these practices that are ruining it for everyone. I hope this awareness allows you to experience radio armed with the information necessary to push back. If you have any questions or comments please post and I will answer to the best of my ability.

Boys Behaving Badly!

Fall is a beautiful time of year. Not only are the leaves serenading us, making us feel the colors that they bring, the air is brisk and warm simultaneously, school is starting, sweaters make their way out of the back of our closets, and football season begins. With a new season there is always controversy: trades, cuts, management issues; this year, however, has been especially scandalous. With the return of Michael Vick, the sentencing of Plaxico Burress, the rape allegation surrounding Ben Roethlisberger, and the most recent incident involving Shawne Merriman choking Tila Tequila- the NFL is starting to resemble something of a Soap Opera. In my opinion all this drama is distracting and ultimately antithetical to the image the NFL should be seeking to maintain—and it hasn’t always been this way. Athletes in previous years were fairly low on the TMZ style news radar. It has not been until recently that athletes have become so widely and publicly notorious.

Let’s look at Shawne Merriman in particular. The San Diego Charger’s defensive player is young, handsome, Black, and rich—apparently a perfect recipe for the ultimate in Tomfoolery. Shawne is 25 years old and he makes millions of dollars yearly. He wants for nothing and is surrounded by people who are constantly offering him disingenuous praise and a never-ending flood of “Yes”. He was recently featured in the Keri Hilson/ Kanye West “Knock You Down” video, and he was even a judge for the Miss USA pageant. While these are impressive resume notes, they have nothing to do with FOOTBALL.

For whatever the reason, this young man got himself involved with reality TV dating show star, Tila Tequila. While there is little information regarding the nature of his relationship with the former MySpace sensation, Merriman was arrested for choking and restraining the petite Hollywood hopeful. How is it that a person with all the choices his financial resources have presented him, can find himself in such a situation? I contend it is simply stupidity and a lack of passion for his athletic gift.

Athletes need to stop trying to be celebrities and need to start perfecting their athletic skill. Michael Jordan was a celebrity, not because he was out on the town canoodling with one of the Kardashian sisters. MJ was a celeb because MJ was an athlete—and a damned great one. I remember sitting in front of the television with a bucket of Rainbow Sherbet from Baskin and Robbins, my dad adjusting the rabbit ear antennas as we watched Michael Jordan in awe. Even though I was really young, it was like I knew I was witnessing something other worldly. Nowadays we catch rare incidence of athletic greatness.

To the beloved athletes, here’s some advice. Stop trying to be featured in Kanye’s new video, stop sleeping around, take care of the children you have and don’t bring any more illegitimate children in to this world, get your finances in order, make some reasonable investments, become a genuinely involved member of the community, and get serious about your game. Here’s a thought, why don’t you start training in the off season? Not those wimpy workouts that are required by the team; I’m talking Walter Payton style. I want to see you run up an eighty degree hill with a back pack and sweat socks. What happened to the REAL athletes?

Michael Jordan was great because he practiced harder than all the other players on the court! Maybe more practice would lend itself to less free time. Less time to go to the club, less time to possess illegal weapons, less time for bank rolling illegal activities, less time to chase women, maybe even less time to assault, choke, or rape women. Athletes just seem to be drifting further and further away from being positive examples of what hard work and determination garner; and closer to being examples of what money ignorance, and unbridled power amount to—usually jail time.

Departmentalizing Department Stores

Something rare happened this week. I went shopping on West Wilshire Boulevard, right by Rodeo Drive. Nope, I still haven’t worked up enough nerve to tease myself with the opulence that is Rodeo Drive, the cornerstone of Beverly Hills shopping; but I am getting close. I made stops at three of the biggest names in luxury department stores: Barney’s, Neiman’s and Saks. Never mind what I was buying, or wasn’t buying for that matter. I would like to talk about my experiences.

First I went to Saks. I entered and I walked through a shoe department that had more salesmen than patrons, none of whom were excited to offer me any help. At the front door there was a shoe sale rack. The shoes were allegedly organized by size. But after sifting through the 9-9 1/2 section I recognized the shoes were in no particular order, just sloppily strewn up on the metal rack. I was surprised that Saks would let this be the first thing customers walking through the front door would see. It was a sea of popular designer shoes from Fendi, and Christian Louboutin, to Jimmy Choo and Prada. Seeing them in such a state of terror really took away some of the “Sex and the City” enchantment surrounding the brands. I was quickly bored and decided to head upstairs and check out the Contemporary department. By this time I have been in the store for about 20 minutes and no one had offered to help me or even greeted me. This is, might I add ,the same Saks that Winona Ryder infamously stole all those clothes from a few years back. I always wondered why a celebrity of her stature would steal clothes. I figured she must be some sort of kleptomaniac or something. But after this experience, Golly! No wonder she stole an approxiamate $20,000 worth of merchandise out of this joint. The people who work here will ignore you to the point you will be willing to do just about anything to get their attention. I was thoroughly annoyed and decided to head to Neiman’s.

At Neiman’s I was immediately greeted with warm eyes, a smile, and a "Can I help you?”. The lady in the Contemporary department admired the green sweater I had on. She said I looked beautiful in green and suggested I try on some of the green dresses that were on sale. I didn’t buy any of them, but I sure tried them on. Unfortunately the selection at Neiman’s was disappointing. But the service was so great, had I been able to find something I liked I would have bought it. Oh well, off to Barney’s.

I walked in the front door of Barney’s and entered the main level. I swear I heard angels singing. I looked up and saw a beautiful winding staircase, to my left makeup, and to my right, Mecca… the shoe department. “Hello” was in the air. Everyone was so friendly. The sale rack was neat and organized. Nothing like the “hot mess” I encountered at Saks. I ended up purchasing a few things and walked out swinging bags and humming contently. I felt like Goldilocks. Saks was too “ugh”, Neiman’s was too “ho hum”, but Barney’s was “just right”.

I had to go back into Saks to get my parking validated. I was not happy, I didn’t want to wait 30 minutes for someone to notice me just so I could get validated. I held my head up high and marched in the main door. The same salesmen that had ignored me before were tripping over themselves to greet me this time. I looked down at my chest, I was convinced I was having a wardrobe malfunction. No, all was intact. What was different? Oh, I had Barney’s bags, duh. It wasn’t until I had these accessories that I looked like a paying customer. A tall middle aged man with a mustache walked up to me. His hair was slicked back and he looked like a used car salesman. “May I help you with something, Miss?” He asked, almost salivating at the mouth. “Yes”, I said with a suspicious smile “you can validate my parking”.

Btw, Barney’s is having an amazing sale… check it out www. Barneys.com