The Independent Woman: Advice from the Perpetually Single Woman

“Why do you all have to be so damned independent?” he said with an honest curiosity behind his eyes. I was talking to a male friend; he had been having problems finding what he calls a “good woman”. I took a large gulp of my non-fat sugar-free vanilla latte, and thought to myself, “You think I’m independent?”

Independent: not requiring or relying on something else, not contingent, not looking to others for one’s opinions or for guidance in conduct (Merriam-Webster, 2009). What woman fits this definition? Oprah? No, she relies on a whole staff of people, and Stedman can still reduce her to a teenager. Michelle Obama? No, even our first lady has openly admitted that she depends on her husband for love and support.

I guess I understand what people mean when they use ‘independent’ as an adjective, so I’ll avoid the semantics games. But still, most women I know are not independent. In fact a lot of us are really dependent. We depend on our families, our girls, our community, and some of us depend on a significant other. I even depend on my dog sometimes, but that’s another story.

After watching a recent episode of Oprah featuring Steve Harvey, and a review of his new book “Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady”, Steve made a questionable point. He essentially claimed that women nowadays are too independent to have a man. With their successful careers, beautiful homes, luxury vehicles, and elaborate closets full of Christian Louboutins; men find it hard to see where they can fit in (excuse me while I gag myself).

Harvey went on to explain that men like to feel as if their presence is important,to their mate, a point I can sympathize with because women like to feel important to their mates as well. What I reject is the false conflict he created between a woman having things, and a woman’s ability to make her mate feel important. Even the most "independent" woman in the world can find herself in a position where her mate is an extremely important, almost indispensable part of her life; regardless of how much stuff she has acquired on her own.

No matter what, a man’s presence will never become obsolete in a woman’s life. No matter how independent she is. Let me just be clear. I do not need a man. I am happy, intelligent, healthy, well entertained, and sufficiently loved as a single woman. Nonetheless, I still, despite what I might say after a few cocktails on girls night out, “crave vulnerability and close talk” (Shange, 1975). Most of my girls, most far more “independent” than I, feel the same way.

What I can admit, is most “independent’ women are really choosy about what we allow ourselves to become dependent upon. We don’t like to depend on things that are undependable, and let’s be honest fellas, some of you are definitively undependable.

So when men say woman nowadays are too independent, I think they actually mean woman nowadays need men for less. We don’t need your money, your nice car, your penthouse, your status, or shopping sprees. All we need is love, honest, unyielding, unconditional love; and when your role is so simple it seems you should be that much more able to step up to the plate.